Reflections
Just realised I've been on this blog for nearly one year, come July.
Reading my past blogs made me realise how much God has brought me through over the last 12 months. He had led me step by step, laid precept upon precept, in a gentle and yet persistent manner, to lead me in this direction.
These have been months of struggle within myself, with family and friends, and with God - reasoning with everyone (myself, family, God) why I should not be quitting my post-graduate studies and pursuits for full-time biblical studies and ministry. But slowly and surely, God's words and works worked upon and within me to draw me to a place of submission and abandon.
It is interesting to look back and see how patient God was. He asked me gently back in August 2004 if He was worth more than what I was pursuing. That gentle question rocked my entire world and put me, not on a downward spiral, but on an upward spiral towards His purpose in my life. The world had their 911, I had my 804 (read Aug 2004). :)
Of course, in my doubts and bargaining with him, I laid my "famous four" before the Lord - seeing if He could answer them all ...
1. A digital camera (actually more like a flippant challenge on 29 Dec 2004)
2. A bookshelf
3. A laptop
4. A part-time job
To my "horror" and amazement, the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills answered them all, without me telling anyone. Actually by the time I got the answer for (1) and (2), I was trembling inside, and decided not to press God for the rest. Yet deep down, I somehow had the feeling that He wasn't going to let me off so easily ...
As I receive these answers, I leave His presence not in a triumphant attitude, but in humility, knowing that He can do whatever He wills. He had shown me that He is more than able to provide. It is as if this was a foretaste of His providence and grace. It is as if He is preparing me for the future when I might doubt Him again, "Look back and remember how I provided. Am I not God who is more than able ?"
He had to change my attitudes. The feeling of immense sacrifice on my part melted into an awareness of immense priviledge. Lord, forgive my self-righteousness - to think I was giving up so much for You ! "Give up your small ambitions !" "Exchange them for ME."
Suddenly my ambitions paled before the presence of the Almighty. How willing was I to say "Lord, send me" ? Not only that, but to say "Wherever, Whenever, Whatever".
Not on my terms, but on His.
******
I look at my calender and count the remaining days before my resignation ... less than 2 weeks. Had my 3 years of post-graduate training come to nothing ? I don't
think so. I may not see it now, but God had a purpose for everything.
Will I miss my job ? Perhaps.
But I am sure the road ahead with Him will be so full of exciting bumps and encounters that I will probably not have the time to look back with regret. I will be busy looking ahead.
Sure I may occasionally stop by the road and be tempted to look back. But I pray I will look back, not with a heavy heart of regret; but with relief, breathing a prayer of thanksgiving to Him for putting me on a better journey, towards a better destination.
******
Reading my past blogs made me realise how much God has brought me through over the last 12 months. He had led me step by step, laid precept upon precept, in a gentle and yet persistent manner, to lead me in this direction.
These have been months of struggle within myself, with family and friends, and with God - reasoning with everyone (myself, family, God) why I should not be quitting my post-graduate studies and pursuits for full-time biblical studies and ministry. But slowly and surely, God's words and works worked upon and within me to draw me to a place of submission and abandon.
It is interesting to look back and see how patient God was. He asked me gently back in August 2004 if He was worth more than what I was pursuing. That gentle question rocked my entire world and put me, not on a downward spiral, but on an upward spiral towards His purpose in my life. The world had their 911, I had my 804 (read Aug 2004). :)
Of course, in my doubts and bargaining with him, I laid my "famous four" before the Lord - seeing if He could answer them all ...
1. A digital camera (actually more like a flippant challenge on 29 Dec 2004)
2. A bookshelf
3. A laptop
4. A part-time job
To my "horror" and amazement, the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills answered them all, without me telling anyone. Actually by the time I got the answer for (1) and (2), I was trembling inside, and decided not to press God for the rest. Yet deep down, I somehow had the feeling that He wasn't going to let me off so easily ...
As I receive these answers, I leave His presence not in a triumphant attitude, but in humility, knowing that He can do whatever He wills. He had shown me that He is more than able to provide. It is as if this was a foretaste of His providence and grace. It is as if He is preparing me for the future when I might doubt Him again, "Look back and remember how I provided. Am I not God who is more than able ?"
He had to change my attitudes. The feeling of immense sacrifice on my part melted into an awareness of immense priviledge. Lord, forgive my self-righteousness - to think I was giving up so much for You ! "Give up your small ambitions !" "Exchange them for ME."
Suddenly my ambitions paled before the presence of the Almighty. How willing was I to say "Lord, send me" ? Not only that, but to say "Wherever, Whenever, Whatever".
Not on my terms, but on His.
******
I look at my calender and count the remaining days before my resignation ... less than 2 weeks. Had my 3 years of post-graduate training come to nothing ? I don't
think so. I may not see it now, but God had a purpose for everything.
Will I miss my job ? Perhaps.
But I am sure the road ahead with Him will be so full of exciting bumps and encounters that I will probably not have the time to look back with regret. I will be busy looking ahead.
Sure I may occasionally stop by the road and be tempted to look back. But I pray I will look back, not with a heavy heart of regret; but with relief, breathing a prayer of thanksgiving to Him for putting me on a better journey, towards a better destination.
******
